Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl Review by "Captain" Sparrow
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I feared this movie coming out long before the masses of budding young women began drooling over the prospect of superstar hunks Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp wearing fluffy pirate shirts. The prospect of having to endure waves of “This movie is the greatest ever” usually followed by “Johnny/Orlando can swab my deck any day” was not a pretty one. My hope though was that maybe there was a chance the movie would actually be decent so that it would waive some of that. |
Pirates of the Caribbean kind of met me half way. While the movie itself was thoroughly entertaining, there of course were a few little hitches along the way that turned my stomach. Let’s hit those up now so that all the young women out there can prepare the lynch mob to beat me senseless as soon as they finish reading this. |
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Johnny Depp – There is no one in Hollywood that could look the part better than Scissorhands. He swashed. He buckled. He was dashing and daring. He was also a tad too over the top most of the time though. That may be a requirement though for a Disney flick. |
| Depp kind of struck me as a very young Columbo with his exaggerated drunken stagger. And personally I thought Columbo was annoying. |
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Orlando Bloom – I’m going to be assassinated for this but seriously people this kid still has not proven himself in the slightest as an ACTOR. I’ll admit the boy is totally dreamy for pose-value (and there is much of it within this movie) but other than that he really presents no value to the flick whatsoever. Luckily for you, Mr. Bloom, that 90% of the female population is totally fixated on your looks that they don’t have the time to realize that you have no apparent talent, or maybe none that a director has allowed anyone to see yet. |
And even though the premise of the movie, taken from the popular Disneyland ride, may have initially seemed very weak from previews, it was pulled off nicely with a few added twists and turns along the way to keep audience members riveted to something, other than the bodies of the main characters. For a summer blockbuster, which usually means a movie with an insane amount of promotion with no real value, it actually had some merit within it. |
If you’re a straight female or a gay man…this movie was made just for you. If you don’t fit those criteria though, than it is simply a well put together film with a few glaring mistakes along the way. All in all Pirates is entertaining yet sails in shallow waters. Rating: 4/7 |
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